I used to go through the most difficult times of my life without ever telling anyone.
Many years ago I was stuck in pornography and contemplating some drastic decisions. (Ones that would have derailed my life and family.) When people asked me how I was doing, I put a very convincing smile on my face and said, “Great!! How are you?”
They believed me.
Meanwhile, I was buried in shame, addiction, self-hatred, and feeling like God didn’t see me or care that I was in such agony even though I continually begged Him to set me free.
I never let on to anyone that I was in trouble, and I was pretty convincing.
I can’t do that anymore.
I’m not buried in addiction, in trouble, or anything like that again, but I am in another rough (unrelated) season. We all go through them.
I always wait until after I’m through a storm to share anything publicly, but I don’t want to do that this time.
Some people see it as a sign of strength to go through things without anyone ever finding out. Over the last few years, though, I have learned the value of observing and also (imperfectly) displaying what those of us who follow Jesus do while in the middle of a storm.
This is why I have decided to share some of the “now” of my life instead of wrapping it up neatly and presenting it all in a nice little package after it’s all said and done.
It may be messy. But that’s ok! I also know I run the risk of people misunderstanding why I’m sharing these things, but that’s ok too.
I took this picture the other day, because it reminds me of where I am. I keep feeling like I’m “finally” at the end of this season, but then I turn the corner and the road just keeps going.
Can you relate?
I’m praying, resting, leaning on God in every way I know how to, dying to myself and what I want, but I am still here. I keep crying out to God.
…and He just keeps gently whispering, “Trust Me” to my heart, so I will.